Why I’m taking the pressure off my holiday

On travel anxiety, guilt and letting go of expectations - plus: a fascinating conversation with journalist and author Emma Healey

Hello lovely subscribers! 

I hope you’re well and having a great start to your week. 

I’m a bundle of nerves, anxiety, excitement and trepidation at the moment, as I’m about to jet off to Puglia for five days to see some family. And I know what you’re thinking: wow, amazing! What an amazing trip to go on, what an amazing experience and opportunity. 

And believe me, I’m with you. I know, and that’s partly why I feel so bad, so guilty, for also feeling highly anxious about it. On the one hand, I’m looking forward to it, to seeing my loved ones and being in a new place, but on the other - as someone with OCD and an eating disorder – I am a ball of anxious energy, knowing the deviation from routine, my comfort zone, that it represents. 

Anyone who experiences similar travel anxiety will understand the guilt such a swirl of feelings dredges up – you’re going on holiday! I tell myself. You’re so lucky! What do you have to worry about?  There’s so much shame and guilt attached. But the reality is that holidays - which no one disputes are an enormous privilege - come with baggage.

There's an enormous pressure for the trip to be incredible. The best of your life. You’re expected to soak up every single moment, to make the best of every single second you’re away. To not waste time and be your absolute best self at all times. To do and eat the right things, to not miss anything. It’s a huge amount of pressure for anyone, but as someone experiencing mental ill-health especially, when everyday is a daily battle, this pressure once away to suddenly be completely healed and healthy is difficult.  

The days when I would pack enormous suitcases stuffed full of food to take with me wherever I was going – a hugely expensive and burdensome compulsion borne of a scarcity mindset and a need for control, and comfort (I once took a large quantity of M&S prawns to Nepal; freezer bags full of fruit to America) – are thankfully behind me, but the beehive of buzzing mental noise about what I should pack, should I take exercise equipment and strike up a new routine while I’m away, all of the questions and should I even go and is it too late to pull out, it’s all still loud and awful and something I am managing as I write. 

I was listening to Oliver Burkeman on Chris Williamson’s podcast Modern Wisdom recently, and he said that when he’s on holiday, he feels an internal sense of deficit as purportedly great experiences are turned into chores. He wonders: “Am I getting enough out of it? Am I going to all the right churches, the right museums? Am I going to the best restaurants? Am I eating the best gelato in the best places?” There’s a huge sense of guilt, and the sneaking suspicion that you might not really be having any fun in the process. 

I’m going to try and  take this wisdom with me into my trip, to try and let go of expectations and a sense of how to be “productive”. Instead, I want to try when I can to embrace my mischievous, childlike, curious and playful self, and embrace the unknown rather than resisting it by packing my comfort foods, my resistance bands, by trying to be disciplined and resist rest. 

But by the same token, I don’t want to put too much pressure, either, on any of that. Some days I might have a great time, be really present and in the moment and not monitoring whether I’m having a good enough time, whether I’m doing it right. Other days I might find it hard, not feel myself, want to just sleep. I basically won’t be a suddenly shiny, polished, different version of myself, as we can sometimes expect ourselves to be on holiday, forgetting that we always take ourselves with us.

I’m going on holiday, the me I am when I’m at home, and like I do when I’m here, I’m just going to try my best to look after and enjoy myself each day, knowing there will be ups and downs. And that maybe – like in my life here in London - there will be some amazing moments along the way. 

This weeks glimmer 

A moment of joy and healing; a weekly win 

I had a few wonderful moments with friends this week that helped me tap into the spontaneity I’m trying to nurture in my life. It was a really random weekend in London where loads of things unfolded at the last minute – a friend was over from America and as I was on my way to dinner she texted to see if I wanted a quick drink in a bar I’d never been to before, which was so much fun,  and then me and a friend who lives across the road went for a pint in the sunshine. More friends trickled in and joined us, and it was so spontaneous and lovely and I felt really in the moment.

Instead of having to schedule things with friends weeks or months in advance, then feeling like it’s something in your calendar that has to be ticked off, I’ve been really loving those more off-the-cuff moments lately. 

Reflections: Journalist and author Emma Healey on exercise, body image and control 

This week I was joined on the podcast by the brilliant Emma Healey, journalist and author of  the recently released novel Sweat, a revenge thriller that sees a personal trainer put her abusive ex-boyfriend, also a personal trainer, through his paces. 

We spoke about the complex relationship between exercise, body image, and control, and Emma shared her personal experience with exercise addiction, discussing how what started as healthy routine slowly slid into an all-consuming, life-affecting compulsion that took a psychological and physical toll on her body, relationships and sense of self. 

Exercise addiction “makes you into a liar,” Emma told me. “You’re telling people you’ve eaten more than you have, you’re hiding a workout you’ve done early in the morning before other people have gotten up. You know it’s not the right thing to be doing because otherwise you wouldn’t be lying about it.”

Regular listeners of the podcast and readers of this Substack will know exercise addiction is something I have experienced, so this was a confronting and challenging but at the same time comforting, strengthening conversation for me, and I’m so grateful to Emma for her candour in sharing her experience. Over the course of our conversation we explored the fine line between dedication and obsession, how societal messages about fitness and achievement can fuel unhealthy behaviors, the parallels between disordered exercise habits and coercive relationships, how toxic fitness culture can be a form of self-punishment, and the importance of listening to your body with kindness. 

If you’ve ever struggled with your relationship with exercise, food, body image, or the pressure to always be doing more, I’d highly recommend giving this episode - which is available now - a listen. And don’t forget to join us tomorrow for this week’s Healing 101 episode, about chronic stress with Dr. Phil Hopley. 

Lots of love,

Pandora x